As any Manhattan masseuse will tell you, I love a happy ending. And that's exactly what I've found in this story about angry locals who tried to keep a Wal-Mart out of their town.

In this case, after years of tangling with selfish, poorly informed citizens, Wal-Mart finally took its toys and left, leaving the idiots of Plainfield Township, Pennsylvania, to fend for themselves.

Now, that's not the happy ending. This is: What took Wal-Mart's place was a metal-shredding plant. A massive, recycling noise machine, louder than a freight train and prone to accidental explosions. The citizens now have a monster in their midst -- so, make way for more petitions.

And I love every minute of it!

As you know, Wal-Mart has been an object of spite, usually from fools too cowardly to admit that their bile has less to do with the store than with their own insignificance. People who hate Wal-Mart really hate the success that's eluded them. As for the attacks on Wal-Mart from elitist media hacks — that's bigotry, for they assume you must be genetic trash to shop there.

Fact is, Wal-Mart is just a symbol of America — a successful phenomenon that brings you what you need cheaply. But to its opposition, it's the daddy that never hugged them -- poor things.

So, Plainfield got what was coming. I hope every night they go to bed hearing the mangling of metal, thinking, "If only a Wal-Mart was nearby, we could buy earplugs."

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Greg Gutfeld hosts "Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld" weekdays at 3 a.m. ET. Send your comments to: redeye@foxnews.com